I Hate Pink Lions!
I know in the last two or three years there has been a lot of crazy talk about equality of the sexes. I find this crazy because it's clear to me that the sexes are NOT equal.
Santa: Christmas Killer?
It's my favorite time of the year. The wind is blowing, I look absolutely fabulous in a variety of amusing sweaters, and the tiny children who ride past my window on their bicycles have gone into hibernation for the winter. Also, I had most of them killed for riding past my window.
The other thing I like about this time of year is obvious: it's coming up on Christmas...
Is Justin Bieber Really a Potato Bug?
There are some things in life that make me sad. Like potato bugs. I know, I know. Some of you are like, "What? Potato bugs? Why not get sad about other things, like world hunger, or global warming, or Justin Bieber?"
World Peace Through Fried Fish
I've been hearing a lot recently about vehicles that are being created. Some of them are projected to get over 200 miles per gallon. And that's city-mileage, baby, so who knows what it can do on the freeway?
Well, that depends on where you're at, I guess. If you live in Idaho, you'll probably get higher mileage - like infinity miles per gallon (I'm rounding); if you live in Los Angeles, where I operate, you might get lower mpg... like 4. Which is still an improvement.
Faith and Giant Pickles
I think it's okay to be afraid of certain things. Like tsunamis, or terrorists, or those people who buy giant pickles at amusement parks.
But it seems like fear is overpowering so many of us these days. I went for a ride in a car the other day. It wasn't my car; I didn't even know the fellah ("fellah" is a cool word) who gave me a ride. I was out of gas, and he took me from the gas station (where I paid enough money for a gas can to balance the federal deficit) back to my car.
Death and Nasal Straws
Way back when I was dating (sorry, ladies, I'm off the market now), I would occasionally have a date that went something like this:
ME: So... what do you like to do?
HER: (long pause) Well, you know... things...
Happy Thanksgiving, Jacob!
Recently my son sat down to dinner and said something really cool. No, it wasn't, "I've decided never to drive," or even, "Don't take care of college, Dad, it's on me!" But it was cool, nonetheless.
He said, with a voice full of song and enthusiasm, "I love sticky rice."
Which was weird, because we were having soup.
Pluto IS the 99%
So it looks like some of the cities have finally started to get fed up and are kicking out the Occupy Wall Street folks.
I have to say, I'm fairly happy about this. Mostly because they stole my idea.
My Thoughts on a Weiner
I'm sure everyone is just waiting to hear my thoughts on you-know-who....Read
Why Can't we be Friends...and wet our Pants?
I love children.
People say that children are our future, which is why I asked my two kids what next week's lottery numbers would be. Neither of them answered. Well, I don't think either one did. My youngest responded with a screech and ran to the bathroom where she immediately started peeing, but I couldn't think of how that would relate to the Powerball....
Killer Cannibals and the End of the World
I've been contemplating the end of the world recently. I don't know if this stems from the constant barrage of megalomaniacal hand-wringing that I hear out of Washington these days, or the fact that Superhero Squad (my oldest kid's favorite show) is starting to seem more and more like great television to me (and believe me, compared to, say, the New Adventures of Tom & Jerry, it is just that). But either way, I feel like I should prepare for the end of the world as I know it...Read
My Merry Christmas from Dean Koontz
Well, another one of my heroes has come through big time and proven that he is a sterling human being, as well as an awesome writer. Dean Koontz has been one of my...well..."friends" is probably too strong a word. I've known him for about fifteen years now...Read
My chat with Orson Scott Card
I had a really nice conversation today (okay, I'm writing this at 3 am, so I guess technically it was yesterday) with Orson Scott Card. OSC has been a friend of mine for well over a decade...Read
RUN hits it big on amazon
RUN has hit it big on amazon.com, rising as far as number 37 on the list of 100 bestselling sci-fi ebooks...Read
- I Hate Pink Lions!
- Santa: Christmas Killer?
- Is Justin Bieber Really a Potato Bug?
- World Peace Through Fried Fish
- Faith and Giant Pickles
- Death and Nasal Straws
- Happy Thanksgiving, Jacob!
- Pluto IS the 99%
- My Thoughts on a Weiner
- Why Can't we be Friends...and wet our Pants?
- Killer Cannibals and the End of the World
- My Merry Christmas from Dean Koontz
- My chat with Orson Scott Card
- RUN hits bestseller status
1. It makes you feel tingly.
2. Every 5000th reader will get a surprise visit from the Christmas Moose. Never heard of him? Read my blog, and you might just be lucky enough to get a visit.
3. I hope to be absorbed by Viacom. That's not going to happen without big numbers.
4. Reading this blog has been proven by the FDA to cause weight loss.*
5. Fish can't read. You can. What, do you want to be like a fish, Mr. Fishy-pants-man?
* Some side effects may be vomiting, diarrhea, skeletal collapse, fiery urine, IRS audits, intestinal cramps, intestinal explosions, weight gain, and death.
Okay, okay. You got me. I am incredibly popular.